Monday | October 22, 2007

Woke up. Wished that I was dead. I lay motionless in bed. I thought of you and where you'd gone. And let the world spin madly on.
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2.9.07
Football. As anyone who even vaguely knows, football rules my Saturdays for 3/4 of the year. And yesterday was the first home match of the season. The thing is, I'm in far too deep. I care too much. I want to be one of those people who have no team, and just watch for fun. Because it is not fun to be this involved.

They were... how shall I put it politely? I don't think it's possible. Brentford. Thye got relegated from League 1, and they thought they were better than us. And
Southern teams are always cheaters. I don't know why. It's not a prejudice, it's true. It's mainly a North and Midlands league (for some unknown reason: it should be fairly even). But the few Southern teams in the league seem to enjoy bending the rules.

They were injury-fakers. The kind who hurl themselves to the ground when no-one's near them. And the stupid ref fell for it every time. They scored from a free kick that never was a foul. We got the best goal I have ever seen from a kick off. And then we got angry. There was a fight. We had a goal disallowed. And we wanted it too much. We let them score again. They won 1-2.

Someone once asked me why I say "we". I don't play for the team. Surely it's "them"? The answer is linked to the start of this post. I'm in too deep for it to be them. It is us. And we. That's how it is.

I once asked my dad if he had no common sense. My mum replied that if he did, he wouldn't be a Bury fan. She doesn't like football. I asked if that meant I had no common sense either. She told me I'd been brainwashed. Maybe she's right. But I stuck here, in this brainwashed state, and things aren't getting any better.
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Everything that I said I'd do. Like make the world brand new. And take the time for you. I just got lost and slept right through the dawn . And the world spins madly on.
Posted by Ali at 23:17:33 | Permanent Link | Comments (33) |

Our ambition got cast aside. Thrown away when the batterys died. And you start to compromise. Just to get to the other side. But it's always for the best. And if you're not convinced, then you'll get left behind. I lost interest.
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19.8.07

Back from holidays yesterday. The house is covered in wet washing 'cause it's bloody tipping it down. On the plus side, Bury are 3rd in the league, and there were no plane delays. See, I'm actually very cheerful.
There was actually a very funny couple we kept seeing around the town. At one point, we were on this boat to an island in the lake. (We stayed next to a lake.) And you know when you get used to people not understanding what you're on about while you're in a different country? Well, we were joking about something and they were staring at us. We suddenly realised they were English too. Just as well we did realise really, 'cause I was about to make a comment about her having weird shaped feet. Anyway. There was this big kinda slide thing up on the ski slope (which was obviously thawed and snow-less). It had these little cars, and a big windy track on the side of the hill. It was great actually, cause they went really fast, about 40km/h (25m/h). And round loads of corners. So, getting back to ComedyCouple. The woman points at this slide and says to her boyfriend/husband/friend/random man she's kidnapped and taken on holiday,
"Do you want to go on that?" Now she clearly really wanted to, and was hoping he'd agree to it. And he came up with one of the crappiest excuses I have eevr heard.
"It's not very skillful, is it?" The woman just looked at him, and then started taking photos of the surrounding area.
We saw them in the airport on the way home. They didn't appear to be speaking to each other.
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It doesnt seem like you mean it. I dont believe that you believe it. And it feels like running with your eyes closed. If you forget what you're supposed to be.
Posted by Ali at 23:17:09 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

I'd like to know if you'd be open to starting again from scratch. I'd like to know if you'd be open to giving me a second chance.
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10.8.07
I think, deep inside us, we're all very selfish. You can see it most in two situations. Holidays and athletics. That probably needs explanation now, so I'll try to give it.
Holidays first. Well, that one's easy I suppose. Your holiday is yours, where you have a good time while everyone else is at home feeling miserable. It's mainly the weather. You always hope people at home had worse weather than you did, however miserable it made them. I suppose it's something to do with feeling like you've got your money's worth. Or feeling superior, because you had better judgement. But even with other holiday stuff, everybody (except my Auntie Dorothy, but she's just odd) goes on and on about how great their holiday was. And everything that went wrong was hilarious. No-one ever admits to holiday arguments. It's like the way no-one ever admits to how much they paid for something. They always knock about 20% off the actual price.
Athletics is a lot more basic, and probably a lot more cruel. If someone else gets injured, or performs badly, it makes you look good. No-one ever admits that either. But it's true. If someone falls, that's their problem, not yours, and you should take advantage of it. Sportsmanship is a stupid word, because the concept doesn't really exist. And for those who it does exist for, well, it doesn't ever help. You benefit from other people's pain. That's the truth of it.
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Please don't go crazy if I tell you the truth. No you don't know what happened and you never will if you don't listen to me while I talk to the wall.
Posted by Ali at 23:16:49 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Love pull your sore ribs in. And I will pull your tangles out.
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6.8.07
I was at my aunt and uncle's house the other day. My cousin, she's about 18 months older than me. And normally, we're pretty close, we both talk a lot, about pretty much everything that comes into our heads. I say normally. A couple of weeks ago she went to some party at a mate's house. Her parents got a phone call about 11 to say that she'd collapsed and been taken to hospital. She wouldn't say what happened to her, but the people at the hospital say she had a massive reaction to some kind of drug.
So, she was in hospital for two weeks. And now she's seeing a psychiatrist, because she's suffered some kind of "mental trauma". This is my cousin, who I think of as the closest thing I have to a sister. Like I said, we saw her the other day. She just sat in the corner of the room and looked really scared. Like, she couldn't stay in the room if her parents weren't there. And she couldn't concentrate on anyone talking, she just sat there looking blank.
No-one knows exactly what happened, cause she won't talk about it, and all of her "friends" deny that they were there.
It totally freaked me out (as you may have guessed). I suppose the thing is, you hear in Citizenship about all the side effects of drugs, but it's someone I'm close to, and it's painful seeing her like this. I remember us being little kids, and playing football in her street. So how do we get from that to this?
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Honey, you don't have to go nowhere. Honey, you don't have to go nowhere. ‘Cause there's people out there screaming, they linger in the air. But you don't have to go nowhere.
Posted by Ali at 23:16:20 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Dear friends of this academy, Romeo is bleeding to death. To see a friend bleed to death, what for? Some kind of metaphor, that I can't see. So I'll drink until I see it.
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23.7.07

I'm back off holiday now. Got back on Saturday, and straight away I got taken to a random wedding reception. Some guy my dad works with. Aren't wedding receptions weird though? Especially if you only know one of the people, and them only vaguely. There was this little clump of work people, all hanging round in one corner. It took us 3 hours to get a table. They were all massive, you see, and had about 2 family members sat there, who'd glare evilly when you came near. So we ended up doing lots of strategic shuffling and jacket positioning. We managed it though. Then about 15 minutes later, we went home.

So, that was Saturday. Sunday, my cousin Laura's graduation party. (Aren't I popular all of a sudden?) We get there, and there's all my cousins, their partners and children, Laura's friends, and Big Dave.
We know too many Dave's for them just to be Dave, so Big Dave is my uncle's friend. Dave the Rave's the one who just got married. He says anything that comes into his head, and then goes on about it. Therefore, he is Dave the Rave. Dave the tooth only has one tooth. A front one. He has a false set for the rest, but his one is far bigger than the rest, so it kind of sticks out. Big Dave just turns up at anybody's party, eats most of the buffet and ends up in all the photos. He's one of those people no-one's ever quite sure how they know them. OR who invited them (if anyone). He has never met Laura. But he was at her party. Now, that is weird.
So, we ended up on karaoke. (After a very boring attempt at bingo, cause everyone had the same numbers. iT went to the last ball, and then everyone got a full house). American Pie took about 20 people to sing, cause everyone knew a bit, but no-one knew it all. This insanity is my family. Paul and Matthew (more cousins) sang Angels. The Robbie Williams song. The whole way through. With all the words. They're both in their early thirties. So how worrying is that?
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Archers in your arches, spread your fingers one last salute. And I'll leave this sky and drive. Your history is mine.
Posted by Ali at 23:15:51 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Home. Now that I'm coming home. Will you be the same as when I saw you last? Tell me, how much time has passed?

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10.6.07

I tidied my room today. My dad nearly fainted when I told him that was my plan for the day, so that shows you how rare that is. It's not that it was dirty or anything. I mean, I knew exactly where everything was in there. It was just that nothing else would exactly fit any more. What can I say? I have a lot of stuff.
So, that was what I did this morning. Fascinating, huh? I found a lot of junk. I mean, why was there a severed doll's finger under a heap of books, next to my bed? I put it in the freezer, so that should freak someone out nicely. *cackles evilly* Sorry, that was random. I really must learn to control these random laughs. I filled three bin bags with junk that I wanted to throw out. That shows you how much was in there, doesn't it? It looks really empty now, it's freaky.

I'm an only child, you see, so I get given lots of stuff. And I'm also one of those people that are impossible to buy presents for, so everyone gets me the same things, which I then end up piling in a heap somewhere. You should see the amount of nail varnish I have. There's enough to open a make-up shop. Really, I'm just making excuses for the state it was in. The basic fact of the matter is that I find it easier to hoard stuff than throw it. Not from any sort of emotional attachment, but because invariably I can't be bothered, and it's easier to throw it into a corner of the room and forget it.

Never mind. That should do it until I leave home now. What do you think?

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Just one look at your face, and I can tell, that you've had enough of these useless sunsets. And this could be a movie. And this could be our final line. Cause we don't need these happy endings.

Posted by Ali at 23:15:23 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

3.6.07

In the clearing stands a boxer, and a fighter by his trade. And he carries the reminders of every blow that laid him down, and cut him, until he cried out, in his anger and his shame: "I am leaving, I am leaving," but the fighter still remains.
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Athletics today. We started off sat by the fence, you know, nice spot, bit of shade, dry ground, that kind of thing. And then the East Cheshire lot arrived. That should be the point where you start with that kind of weird music you get when the evil guy comes on stage in films.
They had brought, to watch one girl run:
- 2 parents
- 4 grandparents
- 3 aunties
- 1 uncle
- 7 wooden deck chairs
- 3 wooden picnic tables
- and the biggest picnic you have ever seen.
So, they sit down, and manage to set everything out so that it's basically on top of us. And then all their friends arrive, and keep wandering over, leaning over me to talk to the deck-chair people. So I just spent the day feeling crushed and annoyed.
Of course, the really annoying thing was that the girl was actually pretty crap. She was high jumping, and she kept basically sitting into the bar. She just about managed 1:10. So the whole family starts going on about how she needs some proper coaching, and they do sessions at Sportcity. Only problem is, she has to reach a PB of 1:60 first. Now, there is absolutely no way she is ever going to manage that, but this family are convinced she is.
Then she does 800m, comes 3rd, and gets a fairly decent time, about 2:47. Only, it starts off at 2:47, and gets faster as the day gets on. By the time they left, it was about 2:25. I mean, what's all that about? There's an official sheet gets handed in, so they're not kidding anyone. Seems daft really, but maybe I'm the weird one here.
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You said you'd never compromise with the mystery tramp, but now you realise, he's not selling any alibis. As you stare into the vacuum of his eyes, and ask him do you want to make a deal?

Posted by Ali at 23:14:50 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

You know those scooter things? Not the ones like motorbikes, I mean those ones for disabled people, so they can do their shopping or something.



There you go, I got you a piccy. You know what I mean now? Well, my grandma's got one of them. Except Grandma isn't very good at driving it. She's on her ninth one, after crashing the other eight. (I am not exaggerating here). And a couple of weeks ago, she crashed it again.
Except, this time, she didn't crash into a wall. (That's her favourite trick. You should see the state of the hallway in her flat. She likes doing 360 degree turns in there. It's scary.) Nope, she managed to fall in a hole. A gas pipe maintenance hole.
So, Grandma and this scooter are in this hole. So, fish 'em out, they'll be fine, that's what you're thinking. Except that with my Grandma, nothing is ever straighforward. You see, the guys doing the maintenance say that they can't move the scooter (which is on top of her) in case they crack the pipe. I should probably explain at this point that the model she has is like the Land Rover of scooters. It's huge, very solid and very heavy. She used to tip the three-wheel ones over for fun.
So, Grandma had to sit in the hole for 2 hours, while they phoned the fire brigade to come fish her and the scooter out. No wonder she has AA membership for it, is it?
Posted by Ali at 23:13:55 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Now I've swung back down again, it's worse than it was before. If I hadn't seen such riches, I could live with being poor.
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4.6.07

I can't keep this up every day. Just so you know, I'm not the diary kind of person. I don't have deep and meaningful thoughts, unless I'm really bored. In fact, I'm only doing this because I want to write something, but I never quite know what. So here I am. Oh, and the quotes don't have anything to do with anything. It just happens to be what I can hear (either my music or my dad's) at the moment.

We're a musical family. Not properly, my dad has no idea about playing an instrument, and his idea of singing is loud. Not any tune, just loud. But we have a lot of music in our house. Usually more than one lot at once. You've always got someone's iPod or MP3 on, radio, and one of my guitars.
So anyway, we have lots of music. I end up listening to all sorts. And last time I got my guitar report, my teacher said I needed to listen to a wider variety of music. That really (and I do mean really) annoyed my mum. You see, in Year 4 (I know! How does she remember that long ago?) my teacher said the same thing, I should listen to a wider variety of music.
This is like a running joke now. We have lots of them, like the big light for the burglar. That probably meant nothing to you, but I'll come back to that. So, we're in the car up to the Lake District last week, and one of my dad's CDs is playing. I'm kind of half listening, but I keep picking what songs are off the intros. I've got about 6 in a row right, and I'm starting to freak my parents out. So, they kept trying to catch me out. I don't know how I was doing it, but I managed to guess Aztec Camera, Lindisfarne, Bob Dylan and Led Zeppelin, straight after each other. I don't even like the songs. So, do I need to listen to a wider variety of music?
Back to the big light. You know when you go out in the evening, and you leave a light on, in your main hall or something, so that you aren't groping around in the dark looking for the switch, and knocking everything over in the process? (If this has totally confused you, and your family don't do this, then never mind. Just assume we're a bit odd and move on. Speedily.) Well, one night, we're going out, and my mum suddenly says, "Who are we leaving the light on for?" So I say, "The burglar, obviously." So, that's the big light (because we have one of them weird lights that is three lights), and it's left on for the burglar.

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Drawn by the undertow, my life is out of control. I believe this wave will bear my weight, so let it flow.
Posted by Ali at 23:13:27 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

Something snapped me out of a dream that I was having, where I'd fallen down an elevator shaft, but now I'm back again.
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5.6.07
I realised yesterday, that I've told you about the music in out house, but I never mentioned the books. For anyone who knows me, you'll realise how weird that is. We probably have more books than anything else (including furniture). It's just that we're readers, and hoarders. If you combine the two, what do you get? Yep, that's right. Book overload.
When we had a school fair, I took a big bag, without 20-30 books in it, every day, for 3 weeks. You couldn't even tell. Right now, the room I'm in, there are 5 bookcases, all full, and 3 random towers of books. So yes, we read. A lot. Even in the bath. (Although obviously not in the shower).

OK then, that's that mentioned. Erm... there was something else I wanted to say. Oh yeah! I've remembered it now. Does your vision for the future ever strike you as depressing? You see, for art homework, we had to find images of our vision of the future. Easy enough, you might think. Except they had to be cheerful. And it made me realise that I'm not confident about the future at all. I mean, what hope is there really? We know that we're destroying everything, but we don't seem to be able to stop it. So is that pessimistic, or realistic? Is there really any hope for us all? (I do like to end on a cheerful note, don't I?)

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Don't give up you still have us. Don't give up we don't need much of anything. Don't give up cause somewhere there's a place there's a place where we belong.
Posted by Ali at 23:13:01 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |
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